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Had a dream that I was cutting my dad's hair. I miss doing that.

I was teasing him and gave him a fauxhawk. He was Not Impressed.

History of the English Language in two hours, woot.

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My cousin Clay died.

I feel broken.

a stranger in this world without you

Online to try and distract myself. Decided to look at knitting patterns, and then the new issue of knitty went up.

Everything is just gorgeous. I can't wait until I get better to try things myself. Also, there's a Mittens 101 article, which is just perfect for right now. I shall read it tomorrow.

I emailed the teacher about my course description. I think I'm fucked over it, since it should have been done like, today. Or tonight. Hopefully I can get an extension on it, because.. yes. I'm not going to be able to work on it for a while.

I'm not sure what to say about Clay. He really was my friend- maybe because growing up for the longest time I couldn't do do things with my other male cousins since I was younger and a girl, but I could hang out with Clay even if he was the oldest, but he was so small... I never knew him to be bitter or angry about his condition. Sure, he could be cranky, but so can I. I think I'm a bit upset about the fact that he never had the chance to read the seventh Harry Potter book. Stupid, I know, but I worried about that too when dad died, he has in the middle of reading one of his spy novels.

I just remembered that Clay owes me five bucks over our wager about the identity of the Half Blood Prince. Owed. Fuck, I'm crying again.

I realized that I don't believe in heaven or hell- I mean, I knew that about myself, but I don't see the afterlife as being a big shiny happy place. More as a continuation of life on earth, but you carry whatever you had here there- issues can be worked out there. Sort of like the happy hunting ground, I guess. I know that Clay's up there, looking out for Jen and playing a bitching game of cribbage with my dad.

Clay was supposed to have dental surgery today- they always have to be careful with surgery, because of his size an inattentive anesthesiologist could kill him. Not sure if he was actually under when he died, or if it was the stress beforehand or what. But he died and it just feels so fucking senseless right now.

I feel numb.